I’m so happy you had the courage to take a step and learn more about domestic violence and abuse. It’s not what you may think. The perception of domestic abuse is often confused with “typical marital problems” especially amongst the church. The SHEWINS Project was created to help shed light on the subject and help women who are victims of domestic abuse heal.
One could say I had it all. The suburbia home with three beautiful children, an SUV big enough for them, their friends and our dog and a stay-at-home lifestyle with play dates throughout the week served with bowls of goldfish crackers for the kids and a cheese board paired with a bottle of Riesling for the moms. Yes, it appeared to be a grandiose life – outside the four walls of our home.
I didn’t grow up in an abusive home nor had I ever witnessed what resembled an abusive relationship. Sure we all have some sort of dysfunction within our family but what I was living with was completely unrecognizable and foreign. I grew up in a single-parent home but I was blessed to live next door to a family who exemplified the husband I wanted and the wife I longed to be. Within feet of my doorsteps I could listen to the sounds of love and get lost in the acts of affection within this Godly marriage.
I always knew my marriage was different but the root was disguised so well as “real love” that it remained elusive and unchecked for years. I desperately tried to put my finger on the spirit that was trolling the hallways of our home and the verbal assaults that echoed off the walls deafened my comprehension to understand exactly what I was dealing with.
It remained a mystery for years until I went to God and prayed one night after receiving a verbal beating from my husband that left me confused and empty. I did what Luke 11:9 directs us to do and I asked God one simple question, “God, what is this spirit I am battling against?” Ephesians 6:12 tells us we do not battle against flesh and blood but we battle against spiritual forces of evil. As I sat there curled up on my bed, with my eyes closed and tears hitting my pillow, I began to see lit letters appear one by one. Laced together it spelled “A-B-U-S-E.” I immediately opened my eyes, grabbed my laptop and googled “abusive relationships.” I found countless sites that describe a web of verbal, mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and financial abuse behaviors that were replicated along with manipulation, fear, guilt, intimidation and deception in my marriage.
I can’t tell you how relieved I was. After four marriage counselors, dozens of marriage books, seminars, videos and endless attempts at fixing our marriage, I finally had the proper diagnosis and treatment plan. I was optimistic because this was a revelation and with revelation comes breakthrough. The breakthrough I so desperately wanted for my marriage, myself and my husband.
The moment I disclosed my divine revelation and findings to my husband he immediately rejected me (actually told me to pack up my belongings and get out of “his” house using some colorful language). From that moment, the abuse that I was accustomed to escalated into a beast and fear paralyzed our children and I from uttering a word back to him or anyone else. But I knew, I was not to live in fear for Luke 1:73-75 states we are to serve Him without fear in holiness and righteousness in His presence ALL our days.
Domestic abuse is almost invisible to family and friends because it often happens within the four walls of your home. More than 60% of domestic abuse happens at home out of the view of your friends, family and church thus maintaining that picture-perfect family façade outside the home. On the outside, he’s clean cut, goes to work everyday, coaches his kid’s sports teams, trims the hedges like a perfect octagon but inside the home is a wake of destruction sustained through his vehement need of power and control. Domestic abuse is strictly about power and control.
In my home, it was one of many secrets and I was led to believe it was “normal” marital affairs. As a Christian wife you have a Christ-like heart which causes you to respond to domestic abuse by forgiving and praying to the point that the combination becomes corrosive and decays the very essence of who you are – your soul. Forgiveness and prayer are structural pillars in your marriage but in an abusive relationship the choreographed dance between forgiving and praying can enable the bad behavior and conceal it to others to the point that you become victim to it and distant to who you once were. Embarrassment, shame and fear quickly roll in like a silent tide and you soon find yourself swimming aimlessly in a current of depression. God did not create you to be abused which is why your mind and soul cannot withstand long-term abuse.
I often pondered on how could the person who is commanded to love me and be the caretaker of my heart, intentionally hurt me? I quickly learned that hurt people, hurt people. The expectation to fulfill their bottomless, empty needs is placed on you in an attempt to validate them. What a heavy, unattainable burden that is. The truth is you are not responsible for your spouse’s needs. Joel Osteen once said, “Life is too short to be responsible for someone else’s happiness.” Amen!
God planned a stealth rescue operation for our children and I and all He asked of me was to 1) tell the truth and 2) trust Him. So what did I do? I bunkered down in the Word and prayer, and I got smarter by doing these seven things.
7 Steps to Exposing Marital Abuse
1. Seek counseling.
“People who despise advice are asking for trouble; those who respect a command will succeed.” Proverbs 13:13 Individual counseling is the first step but it is the most delicate. Individual counseling is recommended for two reasons. First, only 2% of abusers are willing and capable of completing domestic abuse counseling. Be well prepared before you ask your spouse to seek personal counseling. If he falls in the 2%, preselect professional counselors who specialize in abusive relationships and provide them as options. This preselection process eliminates you labeling him “abusive” and will possibly get him to agree to counseling without being defensive. I will never tell you to hide anything from your husband but when withholding information determines your wellbeing and safety then you have every right to.
Second, abuse is an individual problem NOT a marital problem therefore you should not participate in couples counseling at first. Too often in couples’ counseling the victim acquires the fault for their abuser’s actions rather than the abuser taking responsibility for their actions. I have nothing against going to church counselors but verify whether they’ve had thorough training in abusive relationships. If they do not have training, do not hire them. They will not be able to decipher between “typical marital issues” and domestic abuse, and will make your situation worse due to their lack of knowledge on the subject. Go to the right professional to get the right diagnosis.
2. Educate yourself.
“Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way.” Proverbs 19:2 Before you make any decision(s) that affect your family, first identify what type(s) of abuse are within the four walls of your home. Once I knew what I was dealing with, I learned as much as I could about the cycle of abuse and my abuser. I interviewed his family members and learned that I was unknowingly trapped in a generational curse of abuse. As much as he was stalking me in our home, I was watching him and studying his habits in an attempt to stay at least one step ahead of him for the sake of survival.
Domestic abuse has no triggers; therefore it is impossible for you to prevent it from happening . You are not responsible for his actions. Prevention is inconceivable because you cannot change a person nor force them to change. Once I accepted this, I knew it was on me to make the necessary changes. I enrolled in a 15-week abuse recovery program which provided a deeper, Biblical look at abuse and the emotional destruction it has on your marriage and soul. It’s cliché but knowledge is power. I was able to combat my husband’s actions with clinical behavioral and Biblical facts.
3. Pray and read the Word without ceasing.
“I have treasured Your word in my heart so that I may not sin against You.” Psalm 119:11 Domestic abuse is a spiritual battle; it’s warfare on a unfathomable and uncomfortable level. I was at war and I covered my battle cry with the armor of Scripture. Reading daily gave me the strength and reassurance my mind and soul needed.
Your only weapon in an abusive marriage is your faith. To keep your faith strong you must stay in constant prayer with God. Job 5:8 says, “If I were you, I would go to God and present my case to him.” Fear will paralyze you, destroying any hope you have for a future. Therefore it is imperative to overdose on the Word and prayer daily.
Not only was prayer and reading my only weapon to fight back because I was so afraid to do anything else, but it was through prayer and reading that I learned the truth of who I am. I combated what my husband said with what the Word said. Every spiritual attack was obliterated by the Word of God.
The swells of fear will consume you and your soul will drown if you do not pray. Pray without ceasing (1 Thes 5:16) and let the petitions of your heart be heard and upheld (Phil. 4:6-7).
4. Join a support group.
“And let us be concerned about one another in order to promote love and good works,” -Hebrews 10:24 I cannot express how isolated you feel when you are living with an abusive spouse. Fear prevents you from uttering a word to anyone and doubt makes you question whether they will even believe you. I was alone and I needed help so I joined a 15-week abuse recovery program that had a wide variety of domestic abuse victims. To be in a room with women who shared the same horror stories and validated my experience soothed my open wounds.
A pivotal moment in the program was when I was sitting with other victims – some had violent husbands – and we all agreed in unison that we would rather take a physical beating than to endure mental and emotional abuse. For the first time, I realized I wasn’t suffering alone nor did I have to keep my experience within the walls of my home.
5. Write it down.
“And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.” -Habakkuk 2:2 Journaling helps captures anything the Holy Spirit whispers to you. Find your style of journaling and commit to entries daily. Some like to vent while others like to reflect or write the prayers of their heart. Journaling is a written progress report that you can refer to when you are doubtful. It also provides documentation of the abuse you suffered if you ever need proof.
Be sure to keep you journal in a undisclosed location. I found out my husband was coming home early everyday to read my journal while I was picking up our children from school. Out of everything he did, this hurt the most because my journal was sacred. It was my captured conversations between the Holy Spirit and I. To have this holy place violated and vandalized with a malicious intent to destroy me was the ultimate disgrace.
6. Discover and activate your courage.
“With a large army he will stir up his power and his courage against the king of the South…” -Daniel 11:25 Once God revealed His rescue plan to me He also disclosed my army. That army was led with the most powerful weapon we have: our courage. Courage is believing that you are capable and competent to act when things seem insurmountable. Courage displaces fear and restores your will to move forward when your circumstances say you can’t.
I love how Pastor Rick Warren states it, “Courage is not the absence of fear; courage is moving ahead in spite of your fear. If you are not afraid, you don’t need courage. Courage comes because you are scared to death but you also believe it’s what ] God wants you to do, so you do it anyway.” Courage led me to the abuse class and it led me to protecting my children and who they are destined to be. Courage will ignite hope and hope will blaze a path to sweet restoration.
7. Take care of yourself.
“Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul.” 3 John 1:2 I could not eat when the abuse was at its height. My weight hovered around 100 pounds. The anxiety caused my lungs to react to the fear in a panic by restricting air flow and causing my heart to beat to a sporadic tempo whenever I heard the garage door open or thought about an escape plan. The ordeal was slowly, physically killing me and I knew I had to make a change.
I started with multivitamins that nearly eliminated my panic attacks and miraculously cleared my mind. I began working out so I could feel physically stronger in hopes that this would convince me that I was just as strong as my Goliath. Eating was difficult but when I did eat, I made sure it was healthy. I went on walks and hikes with the kids so they could see that mom was okay. I also created a vision board with quotes and scriptures and tacked it to my bathroom mirror. This forced me to reflect on the positive and Truth while looking at the reflection in the mirror.
Acknowledgment and acceptance will set the foundation for you to conquer these seven steps but you must pray and ask God for revelation. Although it may look hopeless, know that God is still in control and He is your vindicator. Be strong my sister. Be motivated by courage and led by faith. Remember, revelation equals breakthrough, and breakthrough will provide just enough hope for that glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel.
In His Love,
Alvie
*Please make sure you view domestic violence and abuse sites on a secure computer and only go to sites that have an “ESCAPE” button to conceal your research from your abuser.
